the past is like the aether it doesn’t really exist or perhaps more accurately it exists the way ghosts exist only insofar as one believes in them or has the sense to seek them new organs in your chest to detect trust and compassion but you all know me too much to believe these stories any more i’ve made too many mistakes thought that to circle back and make amends becomes this complicated involution where each time I lift the blinds there’s someone else i wronged said too many stupid things there’s always going to be that moment of hesitation in your replies now static like snow heavy on the trees and always quiet in that feeling of shared relief when you realize you both understand the unspoken thing shared between you which is me and what has happened to me i lost thirteen pounds in the past six weeks but that doesn’t mean i stopped being myself i shaved my head again but i’m still me new clothing and new catch-phrases new books pulled at random from the library even trying to learn to use my left hand the only thing i can do is to go away i’ll try to come back after i become someone else just to say hi i sat on the couch my knees pulled up beneath my chin and i watched the paint all afternoon it will take time before i can start being someone else because i have to let the rest of me fade a bit first apparently untie the knots i’ve bound to this world i’m not totally sure how these things work. but i’ll be okay i’ll drop a line i love you though i never said it nearly enough and there will always be a me who loves you even when that self takes some other form the wind in the trees or the taste of the coming storm on the back of your tongue the condensation on your glasses a ghost in a mirror looking over your shoulder somewhere
If you didn’t make it to BAM last night, it turns out Bruce Dern is doing another Q&A, this time at MoMA, and even if you dislike Q&As in general Dern is the sort of guy who obviously enjoys telling a story, so don’t worry, it’s pretty great.
nebraska was good (made me homesick) and bruce dern was fucking great (no shock) that’s about it EXCEPT that bruce dern was sitting right behind us and was talking to someone at the beginning of the film and I was tempted to say something and then I remembered you can’t shush bruce dern at his own fucking movie AND he spoke very kindly of karen black which is obviously very important to me AND boy isn’t stacy keach staying busy these days AND i need to officially stop thinking it’s weird to see bob odenkirk as a straight man since he’s obviously very good at it
“For example, take mnophka, which you mentioned a little while ago. Though allied in a way, to the earth narcotics, such as opium and hashish, it is of little use for anaesthetic or anodyne purposes. Its chief effects are an extraordinary acceleration of the time-sense, and a heightening and telescoping of all sensations, whether pleasurable or painful. The user seems to be living and moving at a furious whirlwind rate — even though he may in reality be lying quiescent on a couch. He exists in a headlong torrent of sense-impressions, and seems, in a few minutes, to undergo the experiences of years. The physical result is lamentable — a profound exhaustion, and an actual aging of the tissues, such as would ordinarily require the period of real time which the addict has “lived” through merely in his own illusion.”—Clark Ashton Smith, The Plutonian Drug
“[The aim of incorporation] is to avoid certain unhearable words ever being spoken. Such words evoke the loss of objects of love whose existence was indispensable to the well-being — or quite simply the self-image — of the subject. The object whose loss is thus denied continues to exist, as a body of actions, feelings and inexpressible words in a secret topological system deeply buried in the psyche. Incorporation is therefore a refusal to grieve.”—O. Pferdli, Autres Images de melancholie (via “Roussel and Venice” by Georges Perec and Harry Mathews)
Two weeks ago the girl I’ve kinda been seeing asked me if I would go with her to her brother’s intervention, and I said fine, because basically I’ll do anything a woman asks me to do, plus her brother’s just a little fella and so I wasn’t worried about what he’d do if he freaked out. I met Mike (that’s the brother’s name) a few times and he seemed like kinda a prick but not somebody who needed serious help but then what do I know about it. Right? So Melissa (that’s the girl I’ve kinda been seeing) says no, you don’t know, he borrowed all this money from my mom and me and it’s all gone and so I should have kept my mouth shut but I say well what’s a lot of money and Melissa says a couple hundred dollars with this serious tone in her voice like that’s a statement that speaks for itself and I say a couple hundred dollars? and she says you say that like that’s not a lot of money and I say well I mean it’s a lot of money and she says didn’t you just get fired from your stupid little job at the mall? and I say listen I’m not saying it’s not a lot of money but okay so how long has it been and she says two weeks and I’m like, in my head, I’m like oh god here we go, I knew there was something. But even past all that I still go to the intervention and even break into this guy’s apartment just so we can surprise him when he gets home from work and not only does he have the money (which it turns out was a total of eighty bucks) but he borrowed the money to get his mom this really fancy looking china cabinet and he even drives us all, like all nine of us waiting for him, down to the storage place out by the airport so we can see it. Happy birthday, mom! I mean, that’s pretty much when I knew. But the good thing of it is that I met Melissa’s sister at the intervention. Don’t give me that look.